Leg to Few
Peter Miss Rigby! Stella, my love! Would you please send in the next auditioner, please. Mr. Spiggott, I believe it is. (enter Dudley, hopping on one leg)
Peter Mr. Spiggott, I believe?
Dudley Yes, Spiggott by name, Spiggott by nature. (keeps hopping)
Peter Yes…if you’d like to remain motionless for a moment, Mr. Spiggott. Please be stood. Now, Mr. Spiggott you are, I believe, auditioning for the part of Tarzan?
Peter Now, Mr. Spiggott, I couldn’t help noticing almost at once that you are a one-legged person.
Dudley You noticed that?
Peter I noticed that, Mr. Spiggott. When you have been in the business as long as I have you come to notice these things almost instinctively. Now, Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan - a role which, traditionally, involves the use of a two-legged actor.
Peter And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the role.
Peter A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.
Dudley Very true.
Peter Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?
Dudley Yes, I think you ought to.
Peter Need I say without overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.
Dudley The leg division?
Peter Yes, the leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in it to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That’s what I said when I saw you come in. I said “A lovely leg for the role.” I’ve got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is - neither have you. You fall down on your left.
Dudley You mean it’s inadequate?
Peter Yes, it’s inadequate, Mr. Spiggott. And, to my mind, the British public is not ready for the sight of a one-legged apeman swinging through the jungly tendrils.
Dudley I see.
Peter However, don’t despair. After all, you score over a man with no legs at all. Should a legless man come in here demanding the role, I should have no hesitation in saying “Get out. Run away.”
Dudley So there’s still a chance?
Peter There is still a very good chance. If we get no two-legged actors in here within the next two months, there is still a very good chance that you’ll land this vital role. Failing two-legged actors, you, a unidexter, are just the sort of person we shall be attempting to contact telephonically.
Dudley Well…thank you very much.
Peter So my advice is, to hop on a bus, go home, and sit by your telephone in the hope that we will be getting in touch with you. (shows Dudley out) I’m sorry I can’t be more definite, but as you realise, it’s really a two-legged man we’re after. Good morning Mr. Spiggott.
A song that makes you happy.
“Balloons” makes me really happy and I think the music video helps with that.
“Part of Me” Just to watch Kat cut her hair and throw her arms back in determination @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuwfgXD8qV8&feature=player_detailpage#t=86s